Is no wanting more right?

M’s conversations lately are steering towards an emotional bond of sorts. I can understand it, we’ve been basically together every day for the last month and a half.

I’m glad she came into my life at the right time, in this voidness my current life seems to be stagnant she keeps me sane. It’s hard for me to explain her what’s going on, why I look so cold, I’m in a numb phase, product of past months changes I still can’t grasp fully.

I feel uprooted, out of place, only when I’m with her or within her I feel safe.

See more progress on: be content

Last time I'm 192lb

I’m 6 pounds lighter since the last time I weight myself. Ironically I can’t see where all the extra-weight is!! I had lose my belly!! maybe is muscle! :-P

See more progress on: Lose 40 lbs

Unable to do this...

I only did once and I really didn’t like it at all hahaha, too much feelings on it. I guess that’s good but I should choose a better way.

I’m going to get some mud to start modeling again.

See more progress on: "morning pages" everyday for a month

Anxiety

It seems is not high pressure after all. Is just an anxiety attack produced by the self-inflicted highwire state in my brain.

That’s cool, I was targeting the wrong maladie.

See more progress on: Look my fears right in the eye

Anxiety

I’m wondering…

Anyways, I scheduled a full check for next year. I took salt out of my kitchen, reduced the alcohol intake to two beers or one glass of wine and I’m trying to excercise more.

However I’m wondering if it’s just not a case of Anxiety induced by stress. Since I’ve noted that once I get distracted of my wild running heart it goes back to normal, as soon as I do remember the running starts again.

I’ll better carry some anxiety pills with me.

See more progress on: lower my blood pressure

This is the list and the ones I'd read.

Scary Stories (Series) by Alvin Schwartz
Daddy’s Roommate by Michael Willhoite
I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou READED
The Chocolate War by Robert Cormier READED

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain READED

Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck READED

Harry Potter (Series) by J.K. Rowling READED

Forever by Judy Blume
Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson
Alice (Series) by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor
Heather Has Two Mommies by Leslea Newman
My Brother Sam is Dead by James Lincoln Collier and Christopher Collier
The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger READED

The Giver by Lois Lowry
It’s Perfectly Normal by Robie Harris
Goosebumps (Series) by R.L. Stine
A Day No Pigs Would Die by Robert Newton Peck
The Color Purple by Alice Walker READED

Sex by Madonna READED

Earth’s Children (Series) by Jean M. Auel
The Great Gilly Hopkins by Katherine Paterson
A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L’Engle READED

Go Ask Alice by Anonymous
Fallen Angels by Walter Dean Myers
In the Night Kitchen by Maurice Sendak
The Stupids (Series) by Harry Allard
The Witches by Roald Dahl
The New Joy of Gay Sex by Charles Silverstein
Anastasia Krupnik (Series) by Lois Lowry
The Goats by Brock Cole
Kaffir Boy by Mark Mathabane
Blubber by Judy Blume
Killing Mr. Griffin by Lois Duncan
Halloween ABC by Eve Merriam
We All Fall Down by Robert Cormier
Final Exit by Derek Humphry
The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood
Julie of the Wolves by Jean Craighead George
The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison
What’s Happening to my Body? Book for Girls: A Growing-Up Guide for Parents & Daughters by Lynda Madaras
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee READED

Beloved by Toni Morrison READED

The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton READED
The Pigman by Paul Zindel READED
Bumps in the Night by Harry Allard
Deenie by Judy Blume
Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes READED

Annie on my Mind by Nancy Garden
The Boy Who Lost His Face by Louis Sachar
Cross Your Fingers, Spit in Your Hat by Alvin Schwartz
A Light in the Attic by Shel Silverstein
Brave New World by Aldous Huxley READED

Sleeping Beauty Trilogy by A.N. Roquelaure (Anne Rice) READED

Asking About Sex and Growing Up by Joanna Cole
Cujo by Stephen King READED

James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl READED
The Anarchist Cookbook by William Powell READED

Boys and Sex by Wardell Pomeroy
Ordinary People by Judith Guest READED
American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis READED

What’s Happening to my Body? Book for Boys: A Growing-Up Guide for Parents & Sons by Lynda Madaras
Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret by Judy Blume READED
Crazy Lady by Jane Conly
Athletic Shorts by Chris Crutcher
Fade by Robert Cormier READED
Guess What? by Mem Fox
The House of Spirits by Isabel Allende READED

The Face on the Milk Carton by Caroline Cooney
Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut READED

Lord of the Flies by William Golding READED

Native Son by Richard Wright READED
Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women’s Fantasies by Nancy Friday
Curses, Hexes and Spells by Daniel Cohen
Jack by A.M. Homes
Bless Me, Ultima by Rudolfo A. Anaya READED
Where Did I Come From? by Peter Mayle
Carrie by Stephen King READED

Tiger Eyes by Judy Blume
On My Honor by Marion Dane Bauer
Arizona Kid by Ron Koertge
Family Secrets by Norma Klein
Mommy Laid An Egg by Babette Cole
The Dead Zone by Stephen King READED

The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain READED

Song of Solomon by Toni Morrison
Always Running by Luis Rodriguez
Private Parts by Howard Stern READED

Where’s Waldo? by Martin Hanford
Summer of My German Soldier by Bette Greene
Little Black Sambo by Helen Bannerman
Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett READED

Running Loose by Chris Crutcher
Sex Education by Jenny Davis
The Drowning of Stephen Jones by Bette Greene
Girls and Sex by Wardell Pomeroy
How to Eat Fried Worms by Thomas Rockwell
View from the Cherry Tree by Willo Davis Roberts READED
The Headless Cupid by Zilpha Keatley Snyder
The Terrorist by Caroline Cooney
Jump Ship to Freedom by James Lincoln Collier and Christopher Collier

See more progress on: read the top 50 censored books

Be Content... Be Content...Be Content

My proposed mantra for 2006.

See more progress on: be content

Good morning sunshine...

Sometimes I forget to be compasive with myself. Sometimes I feel despair, sometimes I wonder what’s wrong with people, sometimes I sigh, and take a deep breath, sometimes I just feel sad and then, someone somewhere does an unnoticed good deed, somewhere a child laughs and smiles, somewhere an old couple support each other while they walk, compassion, innocence,love, and I regain my hope, my strenght, and sadness turns into joy and I keep going.

See more progress on: be compassionate

I found a chinesse shop in Paitilla that sells everything I need!

And the prices are not as expensive as the ones in the gourmet shop!

See more progress on: learn to make sushi

Feel better and more energized

There’s a ebook with stretching exercises I found in the net. It is in pdf format. You can read it at my online library the library category is fitness and the password is “password”

See more progress on: stretch for at least five minutes every morning

This is the list and the ones I'd read.

Scary Stories (Series) by Alvin Schwartz

Daddy’s Roommate by Michael Willhoite

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou READED

The Chocolate War by Robert Cormier READED

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain READED

Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck READED

Harry Potter (Series) by J.K. Rowling READED

Forever by Judy Blume

Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson

Alice (Series) by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor

Heather Has Two Mommies by Leslea Newman

My Brother Sam is Dead by James Lincoln Collier and Christopher Collier

The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger READED

The Giver by Lois Lowry

It’s Perfectly Normal by Robie Harris

Goosebumps (Series) by R.L. Stine

A Day No Pigs Would Die by Robert Newton Peck

The Color Purple by Alice Walker READED

Sex by Madonna READED

Earth’s Children (Series) by Jean M. Auel

The Great Gilly Hopkins by Katherine Paterson

A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L’Engle READED

Go Ask Alice by Anonymous

Fallen Angels by Walter Dean Myers

In the Night Kitchen by Maurice Sendak

The Stupids (Series) by Harry Allard

The Witches by Roald Dahl

The New Joy of Gay Sex by Charles Silverstein

Anastasia Krupnik (Series) by Lois Lowry

The Goats by Brock Cole

Kaffir Boy by Mark Mathabane

Blubber by Judy Blume

Killing Mr. Griffin by Lois Duncan

Halloween ABC by Eve Merriam

We All Fall Down by Robert Cormier

Final Exit by Derek Humphry

The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood

Julie of the Wolves by Jean Craighead George

The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison

What’s Happening to my Body? Book for Girls: A Growing-Up #Guide for Parents & Daughters by Lynda Madaras

To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee READED

Beloved by Toni Morrison READED

The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton

The Pigman by Paul Zindel

Bumps in the Night by Harry Allard

Deenie by Judy Blume

Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes READED

Annie on my Mind by Nancy Garden

The Boy Who Lost His Face by Louis Sachar

Cross Your Fingers, Spit in Your Hat by Alvin Schwartz

A Light in the Attic by Shel Silverstein

Brave New World by Aldous Huxley READED

Sleeping Beauty Trilogy by A.N. Roquelaure (Anne Rice) READED

Asking About Sex and Growing Up by Joanna Cole

Cujo by Stephen King READED

James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl

The Anarchist Cookbook by William Powell READED

Boys and Sex by Wardell Pomeroy

Ordinary People by Judith Guest

American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis READED

What’s Happening to my Body? Book for Boys: A Growing-Up Guide for Parents & Sons by Lynda Madaras

Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret by Judy Blume

Crazy Lady by Jane Conly

Athletic Shorts by Chris Crutcher

Fade by Robert Cormier

Guess What? by Mem Fox

The House of Spirits by Isabel Allende READED

The Face on the Milk Carton by Caroline Cooney

Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut READED

Lord of the Flies by William Golding READED

Native Son by Richard Wright

Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women’s Fantasies by Nancy Friday

Curses, Hexes and Spells by Daniel Cohen

Jack by A.M. Homes

Bless Me, Ultima by Rudolfo A. Anaya

Where Did I Come From? by Peter Mayle

Carrie by Stephen King READED

Tiger Eyes by Judy Blume

On My Honor by Marion Dane Bauer

Arizona Kid by Ron Koertge

Family Secrets by Norma Klein

Mommy Laid An Egg by Babette Cole

The Dead Zone by Stephen King READED

The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain READED

Song of Solomon by Toni Morrison

Always Running by Luis Rodriguez

Private Parts by Howard Stern READED

Where’s Waldo? by Martin Hanford

Summer of My German Soldier by Bette Greene

Little Black Sambo by Helen Bannerman

Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett READED

Running Loose by Chris Crutcher

Sex Education by Jenny Davis

The Drowning of Stephen Jones by Bette Greene

Girls and Sex by Wardell Pomeroy

How to Eat Fried Worms by Thomas Rockwell

View from the Cherry Tree by Willo Davis Roberts

The Headless Cupid by Zilpha Keatley Snyder

The Terrorist by Caroline Cooney

Jump Ship to Freedom by James Lincoln Collier and Christopher Collier

See more progress on: read the top 50 censored books

A Traditional English Breakfast

This month I’ll prepare a Full English Breakfast for my friends. I had no idea of everything I need. But I’ll write John for advice on this. I barely can remember all the variations I tasted while in Barbados.

This site English Cooking Site has an interesting page on it.

Wish me good luck! I hope to find all the ingredients. The british colony here is not very big.

See more progress on: try a new recipe once a month

It's a discipline that really freeds you!

I’ll advice anyone having problems with their deliverables to read the book!

See more progress on: Practice the GtD Discipline for 1 Year

Neart to close the Miramar spa deal

Well, If Mike approves my proposal we’ll exchange a year membership to the gym for developing and give maiteinance to the spa’s webpage.

We already registered the domain and next week he should have most of the content ready.

I hope would be more fun working out at the gym that in my apartment’s gym.

See more progress on: Work out more

Well, therein lies a barebones tale

Well, I didn’t reach the 50,000 goal for Nanowrimo but I got almost 45,000 words.

It’s a lot of unconnected histories but at least I’ll have material to next year’s competition.

See more progress on: Write a 50,000-word novel by the end of november to win Nanowrimo!

Put your sorrows behind and embrace the sorrow of others...

Life have been a little rough ride past months, I stopped doing all the things I wanted to do to be a better human being. To be able to say “I’m human” with a lot of conviction. To be able to say “I’m a man”, the value, not the sex label.

I’m not sure why I’m musing all this. Something happened today that remembered me my goal of living the buddhist dictum of taking responsability for all sentient beings. When I readed it, I told myself, this is what I want to do. The question is, how to do it?

See more progress on: be compassionate

It's growing!!!

I got tomatos, lettuce and onions. The tomato seeds had been the firsts showing up stems.

I’ll add some pics later!

See more progress on: plant a garden

First Entry - St. Francis of Assisi

Well, I created a photoalbum in my Photoblog

The Photoalbum is called Humans I admire

I’m thinking now that would be easier to compile that using a blog.

See more progress on: Create a site about the people that had inspired me to be my best

Why I want to meet Robbie Williams

He’s one of the few singers that had been able to actually force me to stop whatever I’m doing in order to fully listen his music.

When I listened “Angels” the first time, I thought “Who’s this guy?!” I was in a taxi, I had to call the radio station to ask the name of the song and the name of the singer.

Learn more about Robbie Williams

Books

Found a lot of books:”http://www.welcomepanama.com/ebooks” on the internet. I’m going to read them to have an idea of what Tai Chi is.

I also found that every saturday there are free Tai Chi classess in the Omar Park near home.

See more progress on: learn Tai Chi

Good!

Well the schema I used is very simple:

-kenptyYYYYMMDD For Exact dates (Like plant a garden or learn how to drive)
-kenptyAlways For things I want to work on without a deadline (Like being compasionate or meditating)

Then from my webcalendar I created a mini php application that generates a link to the 43things so I can see in the month view the goals I tagged in 43things.

See more progress on: Tag my 43 things with deadlines

Jerk Marinade

Jerk Marinade
by Helen Willinsky

Some people find marinades more convenient to use than spice pastes. This Jamaican marinade is more liquid than a paste, but not as liquid as most marinades. The flavor of the jerk marinade may strike you as a little harsh when you first mix it, but I assure you, the flavors will all blend and mellow as the meat cooks. To increase the heat of this rather mild marinade, add hot pepper sauce. If you want less heat, remove the seeds and membranes containing the seeds from the peppers before grinding them.

Yield: About 1½ cups

Ingredients:

1 onion, finely chopped
½ cup finely chopped scallion
2 teaspoons fresh thyme leaves
1 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons sugar
1 teaspoon ground Jamaican pimento (allspice)
½ teaspoon ground nutmeg
½ teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 hot pepper, finely ground
1 teaspoon ground black pepper
3 tablespoons soy sauce
1 tablespoon cooking oil
1 tablespoon cider or white vinegar
Method:
Mix together all the ingredients. A food processor fitted with a steel blade is ideal for chopping and combining. This will provide an excellent marinade for chicken, beef or pork.
Store leftover marinade in the refrigerator in a tightly closed jar for about 1 (one) month.

See more progress on: try a new recipe once a month

50 more to go

Well, have sent 50 now.

See more progress on: I want to give away 100 gmail accounts

:-( No much progress today...

I was too tired to write yesterday night after I returned from the gym. Well, I’ll skip the gym today and instead “workout” my brain.

See more progress on: Write a 50,000-word novel by the end of november to win Nanowrimo!

yesterday...

-I used the Orbitrek 15 mins
-100lb on Chess press
-15lb on each shoulder
-30lb on triceps
-35lb on biceps
-3 sets of squats with 100lbs
-Cable pulling for the back
-5 min of swimming

No abs :-( Why doing crunches is so boring!!

See more progress on: Work out more

More progress...

Well, I had exchange emails with Darién, he/she has a cool site about rare bird sightings in Panama called Xenornis he/she pointed me to the Audubon society office in Panama city, and pinpoint me to a recent published book on Panama birds.

Next meeting of the Audubon society would be next wednesday and I’ll hope to be there.

See more progress on: complete projects that I start

First page Day 1 of 12

I managed to sign-up at the nanowrimo site and submitted my first page

So far my first page was 145 words. The limit to win is 50,000. I can make it if I write 14 pages a day for 12 days.

The 12 motiff would be very important, I already can see the chapters and the relationship between each vignette.

I hope I can finish it. This novel has been for years trying to get out of my mind.

See more progress on: Write a 50,000-word novel bye the end of november to win Nanowrimo!

It's great what hidden jewels you can find in 43things!

I didn’t ever know of the existence of a club like toastmasters!

I googled and found two in my country, one administered by Dell and another one auspicied by the university of Louisville.

I’ll get info about this last one since it seems is the oldest group.

Wish me luck.

For K’s reference:
Dell Toastmasters Panama Club – Club #: 824045, Dist #: U, Est: 08/11/2005 Meeting Time: 5:30 pm, Tuesday

Panama City Conference Room Dell Panama S de RL
Avenida Bryant Edificio 255 Antigua Base Howard, Panama, Panama
Club Status: Membership eligibility criteria required – Contact club
(507) 211 6974
alfredo_diaz@dell.com

Pan-American Club – Club #: 4214, Dist #: U, Est: 05/01/1980 Meeting Time: 5 – 7 pm, 2nd & 4th Tuesday

University of Louisville, Calle 45, Bella Vista, Panama City
(atras de Rey Kung), Panama, Panama, Panama
Club Status: Open to all
269 5847 or 6416
nabila@cwpanama.net
toastmasters.peoriadesignweb.com/panamerican/

See more progress on: join Toastmasters

Making progress...

It’s incorrect to assume that since I’ve changed the way I see people they also had changed. I must confess I was in the brink of ordering some fire and brimstone to fall from heaven on top of two persons today but then I stopped, relaxed, and put myself on their shoes. I found I was the one to blame hahaa, and so they were right on their claims. I remembered how in the past I would just jump to assumptions, looking for evil behind people actions out of my own fear and insecurities. I guess they both did the same, since I’m so parc when I speak lately “assuming” people won’t see any evil behind my actions. I should take “assuming” out of my vocabulary and also “hate”. I found one of these persons using it in the context of another human and I felt so revoltedl, it happened that I had been researching about the holocaust early this morning and I readed testimonials, stories, saw and heard the harm such an uneventful word in the wrong hands can produce.

See more progress on: be compassionate

It's very complicated.

It’s near impossible to understand what can make another human happy unless you’ve been in their shoes. I found in the trivial stuff, in the stuff that make us smile and lingers for a while in our mind making us happy, this is an easy goal, in the long shot, the things that can make a human happy for a long time, this is a very hard goal.

I made three people happy of three tries. I’m sad.

Worth it? yes.

See more progress on: make a random person happy

How do you know what makes another human happy?

My first try to fullfill this goal was hard because how I’ll know what makes a human happy without asking them first?!

I tought of stopping a random person and asking what would make her/him happy but I balked at that idea.

So, so far. I gave two people from 43things a gmail invite they wanted to get, I hope that would make them happy at least in the “having a gmail account” context.

T has been polling me, T likes me. But right now I don’t want to start a relationship. So I thought it would make T happy if we share some time together. I took her to the movies and then to my home and we frolicked, kissed and just cuddled. She was happy, but that left me sad. I gave her a couple of hours of happiness that would become sadness if she gets too attached to me.

This goal is too complex and requires a lot of ethical debacle. I’ll mark it as complete, Worth it.

See more progress on: make a random person happy

I know it's too early to mark this as complete but ...

But I think that having this goal contributes to not forgetting you. And so far, I had done well without you.

So, I’ll marked this goal as finished.

See more progress on: Forget you and go on with my life...

Worth Doing...

Based on my expenditure behaviour of past three weeks I came with a balanced budget that would allow me to have the basic stuff I didn’t want to get rid off, pay my bills and save the rest.

It’s going to require however a lot of strenght not to spoil it wasting stupid amounts of cash in a not planned night out wich has been the case so far.

See more progress on: live below my means

Just want to keep doing it

To smell the coffe in the morning, to wonder watching the sun rise every day, to skinny dip at the pool late at night or under a heavy rainstorm, to play with my dog in bed without caring all the fur that gets over me, to learn every single day, to commit to the people that do love me and love them with twice the energy.

That’s what I long for and I thing I’m in my way to achieve it so I’m marked this goal as completed.

See more progress on: live passionately every single day

Birdsight

As a prove of my scattered mind I added the goal of learning how to identify birds and in the subsequent research to learn how to do that I finished designing a whole web application to allow a group of people to track those sightings.

The design is mostly complete, I have the user interface mocked up in a prototype. I’ll need Ajax to be able to provide most of the functionality I foresaw.

Next is start to work in the data layer by building the ER diagram into mysql and creating the programming structures required.

I’m going to use PHP since it is what my site provider supports but I was interested in Rails too.

Let’s see.

See more progress on: write a successful social web application

Nice invest!

Mom and I really had a good time together. We didn’t even argued about anything (Besides myself letting the water bottle empty inside the fridge hehehe)

See more progress on: spend more time with my mother

Now I got a in construction page..What about the content?!!

Well I got to build a construction page so far.
I’m thinking about the content thought, and the design.
My next action is to get a basic template for the content of panamaensis as an article/portrait since most of it is going to be “portraits” of people.

See more progress on: Finish my website

Birdsight Project

Well, I designed all the user interfaces. Choosed AJAX as the most likeable technology to use. Now I need a content management system in PHP that supports AJAX or has an AJAX toolkit.

I also will need to convert the object diagram to an ER diagram so I can start building the data layer.

I’m very proud of this work! I’ll need, once the prototype is ready input from true birdwatchers, most have been done based in assumptions and recommendations I had found in the web.

I’ll maybe pay a visit to the Audubon society. I’m sure they would have a lot of extra info.

See more progress on: complete projects that I start

I'm 198lbs now and going down...

Well, at least my breakup have been worth this! hahahaha. I hope to lost more weight and keep it stable.

I downloaded a couple of abs routines from the internet and start tonight doing them.

Geez, I look great!

See more progress on: Work out more

Two months more to go..

Well, I’ve been working hard on this one. And the add-on for Outlook is a blessing. However is hard for me to put in order my personal stuff, since most of it is so highly abstract instead of the specific tasks I can design for work.

See more progress on: Practice the GtD Discipline for 1 Year

Well, I don't have a car so I used the public transportation system...

I took a bus without looking the destination on it. It took me all the way down Via España, where the city’s hotels and banks are down to Calidonia, I hadn’t take this road since being a student, it was full of people doing their errands, buhoneros (that’s people that sell stuff in the street), the low income department stores, then up to Avenida Central, El Chorrillo, an older part of the city, with beautiful old buildings ,more people, old men playing chess or dominoes in the parks under the shadows of big trees, kids playing in the streets, it’s funny that in contrast the part of the city I live seems so calm and quite and this part of the city burst with life and activity, the bus now turned to return back to the Justo Arosemena avenue that would take me back trought the part of the city I live. I got as far as San Miguelito, from there the route goes to some place I’ve never been but I know it’s quite a dangerous place so I descended there. I though it was enough for a day and I’ll do this again on a weekend with more time to spare to follow the bus route all the way out to the outskirts of the city. But I enjoyed the ride and the thrill not knowing my destination.

See more progress on: go on a road trip with no predetermined destination

The Third million years...

After my breakup ( can one breakup with the past?) that doesn’t qualify as a breakup but it sort of a breakup, I’m feeling quite better, I’ve survived, I felt very blue the first week but, whoever is watching over me always seems to know when to put the right people in my path. I’m starting to believe in the Buddhists’s synchronicity law.

Meeting M was a blast, a pleasant one, I hadn’t this sort of lust for humans since I had sex with one for the first time in some past life.

I think of myself as a very seasoned man but she makes me feel sometimes as a complete newbie and I enjoy that. I had lost that sense of discovering and wonders that sex used to conjure upon me and forced me to seek for more powerfull emotions in other venues of life. Now I’m re-discovering the joys of old good vanilla sex. Or how Cavafis wrote once “The front rooms, where they practice with some decorum the accepted manners of love”. I thing I’d been in the other rooms too long.

Alia is sleeping with me every night, I think she had realized a big change had occurred. As any dog would do she ask with her eyes and lick my face when she find me staring at the roof.

I’ll get trought this, I hadn’t been this far into the road to give up because the path I wanted to take is no longer viable. I had lost everything before and gained it again, it’s good to be on my own two feet again.

Well, that’s what’s going on with me so far…

See more progress on: Forget you and go on with my life...

Second week...

Well, I’m still alive.
I remember some lyrics from Destiny’s child Survivor song:

Thought I couldn’t breathe without you,
I’m inhalin’
You thought I couldn’t see without you,
Perfect vision,
You thought I couldn’t last without ya,
But I’m lastin’
You thought that I would die without ya,
But I’m livin’
Thought that I would fail without ya,
But I’m on top,
Though it would be over by now,
But it won’t stop,
You thought that I would self-destruct,
But I’m still here,
Even in my years to come,
I’m still gon’ be here.

I’m surrounding myself with good thoughts, meditating a lot and distracting myself making new friends.

Meeting M has been a great stabilizing force, and the sex is soo good :-P

See more progress on: Forget you and go on with my life...

It's a long time since I had learnt anything by heart

I repeated every single day as a mantra. It took me a week to learnt it by heart.

See more progress on: Memorize and Live "This is What You Shall Do"

Third day...

Dad told me he saw her at the airport today. She asked about Alia, she didn’t mention my Dad the day before event. Dad asked me if something was wrong between us, I told him I found her with someone else when I went to pick up Alia. “It’s over” I said to him.

Today I’m going out with Asher, we are going to hear the Dianas at the old quarter. That would distract me.

See more progress on: Forget you and go on with my life…

This is what you shall do...

Love the earth and sun and the animals, Despise riches, give alms to everyone that asks, Stand up for the stupid and crazy, Devote your income and labors to others, Hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, Have patience and indulgence toward the people, Take off your hat to nothing known or unknown, Or to any man or number of men, Go freely with powerful uneducated persons, And with the young and with the mothers of families, Read these leaves in the open air, Every season of every year of your life, Reexamine all you have been told, At school at church or in any book, Dismiss whatever insults your own soul, And your very flesh shall be a great poem.

-Walt Whitman

See more progress on: Memorize and Live “This is What You Shall Do”

Well, you made your choice...

It seems our relationship was a long series of repetive situations. I hope I can put myself some self-respect and keep myself away from you. You obviously made your choice, and it wasn’t me. You had done it long before I returned, but never told me so, You left for me to discover it. That wasn’t fair, you don’t do that to someone you say you love. Why you lied instead of telling me the truth, that’s your nature, your “No guilty trips” mantra.

Now I’ll have to deal with a lot of broken things.

I hope to get strong enough to take myself out of the mud, and walk with my head up high. I hope to get strong enough to no get dozed in the past and look for a future without you. I hope to get strong enough to put in order my mind, my body, my spirt. To clean all that extra baggage you leaved on my shoulders and be able to look myself straight again.

Maybe I’ll go solo for a while, since my “friends” are actually yours, maybe I’ll volunteer and help others and doing so, learn how to forgive you.

Because right now,I can’t.

Would be rainy season in my head for a long time.

See more progress on: Forget you and go on with my life…

Musing IV Part II

October 28
Musing IV Part II

I need to buy another bed, we fucked so hard it almost broke. I had to put her on top of my desk and finish there.

After a few smokes she left, as always, to go to her other life, to her husband and kids. A life I'm not part of.

So I stayed alone, in the dull light of my room, undecided between a snort, a smoke or a pill to kill the sadness. Contemplating Buddha's permanent detachment and wishing I could learn to do the same.

Why I get emotional involved with my lovers. Even not trying, I finally care about the innumerable ones that share my bed. I can remember every single one of them. Their taste, their smell, their orgasms, the way the candles light their faces. I probably was a celibate priest in a past life, that's why I can't stop having sex in this one.

My bed can't take anymore.

I can't take anymore.

When I'm going to fall in love and have a family and kids of my own, so my wife would be able to cheat with someone like me.

Life sucks and life repeats itself.

We are the silly pawns.

Musings Part IV

I'm wondering, what dies within a man when he sees his true love sleeping in the arms of another man. I know you are left with a broken heart, with emotions you've never experienced before (hate, rage,pain,sadness), and the worst secondary effect, the distrust, I'm wondering if I'll ever trust another human again, I'm sure I'm not, it's going to be a long lonely life. Humans sucks. Paraphrasing Robbie "I'm loving dogs instead..."

Let's go

After this I’ll be able to write “How to live on less than $20 a week”

Good thought, hehehe, I’ll document my efforts in my blog.

See more progress on: live below my means

Lacking...

I’m to visit the U before this friday.
I’m to visit the U before this friday.
I’m to visit the U before this friday.
I’m to visit the U before this friday.
I’m to visit the U before this friday.
I’m to visit the U before this friday.

See more progress on: finish my thesis

Cancelling the trip to Bocas...

I’m not going to Bocas next week. Instead I’m going to Chiriquí and spent the week with my mother.

See more progress on: spend more time with my mother

This is a very hard task...

But what a feeling when you see how the face of a human being relax when you face his violence with kindness.

See more progress on: be compassionate

Update on Live life the best I can...

I’d had improvements in the past month. I’m going out too much and that’s a lot of money being spent just to feel less stressed, I’m pushing that extra energy to more worthy tasks.

In my spiritual side I’m feeling too detached, just focusing in the now.

I’m avoiding taking some big decisions, the pattern is there, I’m wondering when I came so reacious to change.

See more progress on: Live Life the best I can

Now I need a scanner...

I’m glad I did it. I’ll need a scanner now to be able digitize the entries and upload them to my site.

See more progress on: keep a sketchbook

Waiting for my birdwatching course...

The Audubon will announce when the next birdwatching course is going to be done. So I’ll have to wait.

In the meantime I’m uploading the Panamenian’s birds checklist into mysql so I can check online the ones I had identified so far. That could be a cool webapp for birdwatchers and since my country just had just being designed as a western hemisphere shorebird reserve network hemispheric site and there’s a lot of birdwatching action going on this month would be cool to meet new people this way.

See more progress on: be better at identifying birds and bird calls

About the collapse of the Berlin Wall...

It's weird that I look myself at the mirror and I can see this "immaculate" imagen of order and control and all around it everything is crashing and falling.

I got more than I bargained for when I seek enlightment.

But shouldn't enlightment be permeating everyone around me?

Why I feel it's contained inside and I won't let it out. Why I'm waiting for. A sign?

A sign...

And so the Berlin wall fell...

Musings...

Dawn was beautiful today.
I couldn’t sleep a bit.

See more progress on: Take one picture a day as a way to document my life

Project MI 2.0

-Finish MI 2.0

See more progress on: complete projects that I start

Well, at least I managed to create index.html

Well, I’ve owned panamaensis.com and welcomepanama.com for two years now and had nothing much else besides using them to store my files online, an project manager application I rarely use these days. The most active stuff being my photoblog.

Yesterday I managed to build a initial in construction page to shield the default site message.

http://www.panamaensis.com
http://www.welcomepanama.com

http://fotos.welcomepanama.com

See more progress on: Finish my website

My room this morning...

I’m wondering if I kept my room so cluttered as an excuse for not to bring sex partners home.

See more progress on: Take one picture a day as a way to document my life

Well my list so far:

-Spanish (Native)
-English (Second Language)
-Latin (Well, I know it’s a dead lingua but it’s quite cool)

Next ones:

-Mandarin (Speak, read and write)
-German (Speak it, I already read and write it)
-Italian (Speak and write it, I already read it)
-Portuguese (Speak and write it, I already read it)

See more progress on: Become fluent in more than one language

Mmmm

As far my writtings are related to narrate my errands from day to day in my blogs. I’m thinking on starting a separate history on a separate blog, narrating about me narrating my errands. That would be interesting.

See more progress on: become a better writer

Sent emails to Jon and Jackie

Well, sent a couple of emails to Jon and Jackie to let them know what I’ve been up to.

See more progress on: Keep in touch with people

This is a hard one!!

- Buy a prepaid gsm card and carry it on the cell instead of the contract one so I’ll be forced to be savvy with my airtime.

-Turn off the lights I’m not using at night.

-Turn off my computer at night.

-Use the gas stove instead of the microwave or the electric one.

-Use less water when I take a shower

-Don’t wash my clothes as soon as I take them off, take a day and wash everything that day.

-Eat more at home instead of in fancy restaurants every day

See more progress on: spend less money

The girl down the coffe shop was having a bad day...

And I can’t blame her, people can be so much rude. I asked her what coffe she liked the most and then invited her one. I thought later that was silly since she’s surrounded by coffe all day but I got her to smile.

See more progress on: make someone smile

I can't find the right pump!

Well, the pump I have is too strong. I need a smaller one.

See more progress on: A fountain sculpture of St. Francis of Assisi made by me

The other day..

I was at a friend’s house and he has a tablet, it’s wonderful what you can do with that baby and the right software! Well, it doesn’t has the allure of wet paint but, at least I can “simulate” painting at 2:00am in the morning when I’m insomniac and it’s worthless to try to paint anything under incandescent light.

See more progress on: paint more often

I'm going for Bajan fish cakes.

From Barbados I miss the food!! On friday we will go to Oistins to eat fish, but my favourite were recently fried hot (as in very spicy hot) fish cakes!

INGREDIENTS

2 tbsp oil
1 cup onions, finely chopped
1 cup flour
1 tsp baking powder
Salt to your taste
1 egg lightly beaten
¾ cup milk
1 tbsp butter, melted
2 tbsp eschalots (finely chopped)
½ lb, salted cod fish, cooked and flaked
1 large fresh hot pepper ( finely chopped)

METHOD
In a heavy frying pan, heat the oil and saute the onions until they are just wilted.
Place flour, baking powder and salt in bowl.Make a well in center and pour egg, butter and milk. Mix together lightly, then add the onions, eschalot, salted cod fish, salt and pepper.
Stir well. Drop by tablespoon full into hot oil, but do not crowd them in the pan. Cook for abour 3-4 minutes until they are golden brown on both sides.
Remove from pan and drain on absorbent paper. Serve very hot

See more progress on: try a new recipe once a month

St. Francis of Assisi

Well, since I’m going to put a garden in my apartment as my next weekend project, Alberto had promised me to install a custom made fountain. I saw one sculpture of St. Francis but is too expensive and I thing I can put my arts talent to good use. I hadn’t modeled in so long my hands just tickle at the tought of feeling the wet clay molding into a form.

I was raised mostly in Catholic schools regented by the franciscan order and St. Francis love for all creatures still permeates what I am. So I won’t mind having him watching over me.

See more progress on: A fountain sculpture of St. Francis of Assisi made by me

Something is hard!

There’s a saying if someone fails you once, is their fault, but if they fail you twice, then is yours.

It’s hard to give the other cheek sometimes, it’s hard to balance our own sake for benefit of those who are our responsability.

I’m responsable for every human being. Isn’t that the nature of compassion I thrive for?

See more progress on: be compassionate.

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